i sit here tonight wondering why am i so afraid of intimacy... i dont really seem to be able to think it through. maybe the booz in my brain. even though i really want to know why. its so lonely here i dont know what to do. i find myself alone, evading... i dont like what i see.
it shouldnt be that hard. yet still i refuse to accept love from anyone. i escape like a rat. like a rat that escapes through a hole. theres absoltely no doubt that i want love, yet... aww well... fuck it, i guess it will come eventually when i least expect it... and if it doesnt... fuck love men... really... its just natures trap to get us to procreate.

i wont force absolutely anything... even if that means going along with the wind...